I live in New York City and I prefer to take the subway to the place where I earn my fortunes. A guy at my favorite subway entrance gives out free copies of an advertising tabloid called A.M. New York. He says good morning when you take one of his papers and yells out important news, “Ladies! 25% off at Macy’s! Inside back cover!”

The other morning I was sipping hot coffee from my vacuum insulated thermos and thumbing through this free newspaper, packed-in between a slim-dandy of a young brunette, no doubt off to the office in her pencil skirt, and a quietly snoring latino man.

A bright blue and red graphic caught my eye. THIS is not it, but that’s basically what it looked like. I couldn’t find the original, so I made my own based on the figures in THIS article.

The article begins:

Half of the top 10 ZIP codes nationwide that contribute to President Barack Obama and former Gov. Mitt Romney are in Manhattan, according to Federal Election Commission data.

According to the report, the Upper West Side gave $6.5 million to Obama.

At the same time he Upper East Side gave $5.2 million to Mitt “Greedy-As-Fuck-Magic-Underwear-Believing” Romney.

It is with some sadness that I must admit to currently residing in this den of rich retards. I shamefully count Rupert Murdoch and The Koch Brothers as my ruthless neighbors. But they are simply celebrities among many, lesser known, conservative, old, wealthy white people and their progeny.

The red and blue graphic got me going, because there was one blue square in the midst of the ignorance and it wasn’t MY zipcode.

Forget my state, forget my city, I had to help turn my zip code blue! I remembered Samuel L. Jackson’s apropos exclamation: “WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

Well, I certainly wasn’t one for organizing people. Lazy and apathetic I think you would call it. But I could vote!

Then I remembered I stopped voting when the election was stolen in 2000.

“Never too late to change until your dead!” that’s what Coach Dipper’s caddy Ned always said.

Well, the next day I left my apartment and walked proudly into the small sliver of sunlight that reaches my street in the afternoon. I marched two blocks to the nearest Post Office.

And it was there that I uncovered the Democrats’ plot to prevent voting on the Upper East Side.

My United States Post Office had no English language voter registration cards. None.

“All we have left are Chinese, Korean, Russian, or Spanish.” The postal clerk shrugged his shoulders and smiled a little in his eyes like he realized the irony. Or perhaps he was in on it. I gave him a sly wink to say I understood.

Brilliant! Stop the rich white people from voting! Sure, most people use the internet these days, but the real evil ones are the oldies, and they don’t use the internet. I’ve seen them in the park reading the New York Post!

I ran blocks to the next Post Office like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning. No English language cards there either! I took the subway further uptown. No dice. I smiled and grabbed a Spanish form and went home.

It’s about time the Democrats fought dirty too!